This is my formal application to be your next side-kick, and I first must address that the fact is I know Demi could kick my ass, this is not being called into question and as I am putting in for side-kick, it's not anything anyone has to look sideways at. As for my qualifications, you like cooking, I'm bad at cooking, you could teach me and throw me out after I fuck up for the 9th time, hilarity ensues! I'd just be a prettier JD or a less funny Truth, and I'm fine with that, you've been surrounded by the Irish for too long at this point. When you're at home and people are too busy to help you with your nails, because let's be honest, painting your non dominant hand is always such a bitch, who should it be? It should be Raya, obviously. No one has as much black nail polish as I do, the brands, the selections, the finishes you could fucking have! Not to mention that we both look good in purple and black, y'know, and as you know what's mine is yours, what's ours is iconic. I have no interest in being the Mick Mars to your Nikki Sixx (..you are the Nikki, right? Surely you're not the Tommy, nobody's Vince Neil and we should keep it that way). I'm more interested in being the complex relationship that Motorhead had with winning a Grammy for their cover of Enter Sandman, that's us. In another world, babes.

But slightly more seriously, I remember when we were introduced and I thought my god, he's so fucking tall? Why is his hair better than mine? Why is he nice? Because you have always been painfully sweet, to a fault in some instances. The patience of a saint and the will of the gods, the grace that you have under pressure is absurd and I can't imagine the things that would push you to surrender that. I was skeptical when Natalie told me that we'd be friends, and I'd always prefer to be happy than right and it was yet another note in the beautiful tune that is Natalie being right. You're an amazing man, you're steadfast and for better or worse I truly believe that if you love someone there is nothing you wouldn't do which can we discuss how you still haven't managed to figure out a Type O Negative cover band? How utterly heartbreaking. I'm not even asking for the world, we can skip the part where they covered Angry Inch, although the hilarity would in fact ensue again - see? I'm practically made for side-kick hi-jinks.

I won't harp on about your compassion and empathy, but I could very easily do as much, as I'd seen in such great detail this year. Like, I firmly believe almost no one deserves you as their friend, you are too attentive, you are too available and your heart's too big. You could try to be more of a prick for the rest of the year is all I'm saying.

To the bringer of doom and fate.